So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
