It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize