i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
