on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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