That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
