best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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