It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
