went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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