so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
did i walk over a car last night?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
