dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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