if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
