sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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