1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
