i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
