Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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