you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
