Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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