The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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