god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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