worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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