I think I won the penis lottery.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize