I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
