I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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