I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
