hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
