We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize