doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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