if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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