im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
