Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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