Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
