We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
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