I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize