No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
