Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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