i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
