who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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