All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
