There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
