There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
