upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
