How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
