she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
