I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
