I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
