come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
