She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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