Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize