"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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