So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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