I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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