HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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