that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
