guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
