Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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