Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
