then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
