I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
