If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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