So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
