Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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