Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
