Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
