shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
