What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
