Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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