I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
