u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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