Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
