BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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