i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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