what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize