it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
