Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
