Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
