you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
